Thursday, August 16, 2012

2,555 days. Memoir to my Angel Momma

God's perfect number.
7 days to create the Earth
7 Wonders of the World
7 Seals of Revelation
Jacob took 7 years to build the temple
There are 7 Feast days
Job had 7 sons
...ok, you get it.
For God, 7 is perfect and means completion in many cases.
For me, however, 7 has a completely different meaning today. Today, 7 means the number of years since my momma became my angel momma. 2,555 days since I've heard her voice. Felt her skin. Smelled her. Heard her. Seen her smile.
Somedays, 7 years feels like an eternity. And some days it hurts exactly the same as the first day.
It's really strange how my perception of reality can sometimes be altered. When you lose someone so close and time begins to pass, your mind begins to wonder which "life" is reality. Was it real when she was here and I could talk to her anytime I wanted? Or did she really exist at all?  Was that part of my story real? I know that sounds odd, but if you've been in these shoes, perhaps it makes sense to you.
My mom was an incredibly strong woman with a sweet smile, a stubborn streak that was a mile long and a heart for her children. She made spaghetti on rainy days (which I do now because I crave it!) She loved to spend rainy Saturday morning wandering Walmart and Big Lots (which I crave to do as well!) She was a Girl Scout leader with a kitchen filled with cookie boxes each year. She made our dance uniforms for our Brownie Dance Troop. She made my Junior year Sweetheart dress and all the bridesmaids dresses for my wedding. She could redo an entire room in the house in 2 weeks (always while dad was away during the summer with the Army Reserves). She loved to watch Rugrats with us and had a decent addiction to the NES game Snake,Rattle and Roll for about a month. She loved to do family history with Aunt Pat and take the occasional trip to the casino.
She taught me to be strong and stubborn. She taught me that if I want something do, to just do it myself. She taught me that money isn't everything. She taught me to live for my children. She taught me to cook. She taught me to appreciate a good yard sale and flea market find :)
And losing her has taught me to stand strong in my faith. When one foundation is removed from your life, you either replace it or fall apart.  It has taught me not to take anything for granted. To slow down and soak up every moment with my children. To make sure, without a doubt, that they know how much I love them. It has taught me that God is bigger than any challenge I could ever face. And there have been some challenges for sure.
Today, I miss her. My memory is flooded with childhood pictures of birthday parties, Saturday mornings, my backyard, the sound of her walking down the hall, watching her cook dinner, seeing her on the sidelines during performances, walking down the aisle with DJ at my wedding, and so many other moments I wish I could recreate. And some I wish I'd never experienced.
I'm so thankful for the woman she was. The example of a strong mother and a safe place to land.
I'm thankful for her "Make it happen" spirit and don't take 'No' for an answer mentality.
I wish my babies could know her, but I know there is a lot of her in me. I know she's with me all the time from music that plays on the radio to the hummingbird that flies around my front porch, and especially when I hear her shooting from my mouth!
7. God's perfect number sure has a lot of meaning today.

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